it's my life
essex and the ex
my ex boyfriend (let’s call him EB) lived in essex for most of the five years we were together, so i used to visit essex a lot. practically every time i went down there one or both of us would have some minor or major disaster but at no point did i deduce essex was trying to tell me something (like **** off, perhaps). in hindsight, it seems obvious…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )sh*t happens
last week (actually i think it was good friday), we found poo in our porch.
dog poo, we thought.
but now, having seen the kids next door (and their naughty, annoying slightly-older cousin from round the corner) urinating & defecating freely in their garden & on the communal path (under parental supervision – why? the house has two toilets!) we’re convinced it was the kids’ idea of fun.
so, we live in pooh-ville.
not that living here has ever been great, or that this is the worst act of vandalism we’ve encountered (that would be the brick through the living-room window) but it is the most – well, shitty.
the worst thing was, we were having a takeaway delivered when i noticed the ‘deposit’ – i tried to be nonchalant and ignore it whilst tipping heavily.
oh, the shame…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )bird’s head revisited
bad things happen when i order pizza. i know this.
there was the time the pizza delivery man’s visit coincided EXACTLY with me finding faeces of unknown origin in our porch. but that didn’t creep me out as much as the occasion i’m going to tell you about now, which is not for the delicate or the bird-loving among you. (sorry!)
our oldest cat rumpleteaser (rest in peace) went through a phase a couple of years ago of killing a bird every few weeks, and bringing us the remains – always on a thursday. actually we think he sometimes just located a dead bird and arranged it for our viewing pleasure but either way, the effect was the same:
vile, disturbing, deathly.
so, on this particular day… he ups the ante and brings home not just a dead bird, but a dead and dismembered bird in several pieces, most prominent of which is the head, in our porch, with that thick pink veiny thing (technical term alert!) that once attached the head to its birdy body clearly visible. yeurch.
my mum, thankfully, moved the remains. (another reason i couldn’t be a mother. i don’t want to be the person who does these things).
that was the end of that, right?
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )unemployed lesbians need not apply
july 2006
sometimes you’re in the midst of a situation so horribly demoralising that the only way to survive it is to imagine how you’re going to blog about it. that was how i coped with today’s hair disaster. it wasn’t a hair disaster in the standard sense: my hair looks GOOD. bloody good, in fact one of the best cuts i’ve ever had. but is the end result worth it if your self esteem is chopped to pieces along with all your excess hair?
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )what a glorious feeling!
july 2007
part one
OH. MY. GOD. what a day monday 25 june was.
like something from a film, or a war, or the coming of the apocalypse.
a lot of people went through a lot worse, but this is my story…
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( None so far )you can call me speccy four eyes
july 2006
‘cos that’s what i’m gonna be!
yep, i’m joining the realms of glasses-wearers, and can’t stop thinking about my left, slightly rugby ball-shaped eye…
i’d been having pain in and around my eyes for a while, especially after concentrating, and i was worried it might be a weird M.E thing (being a neurological condition, eye and head pains can be par for the course, but would have signified a deterioration for me).
but gut instinct told me an eye test was needed. even so, i was still surprised when, after my test the super-friendly optician started talking about "your prescription" and how i have astigmatism and my right eye has been working harder to make up for the left being a bit slow – shouldn’t she have said "i’m afraid you DO need glasses…" first?!
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